A GERMAN family head out last Saturday morning to do some shopping.



While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and
Says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I'd really
like this shirt for my birthday."



His big sister is outraged by this, and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."



So the little lad takes off with the red and white football shirt in hand ,
and finally finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided that I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".



The mother is outraged at this, and promptly whacks him around the head
twice and says, "Now, go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand, when he eventually finds his father.

He says.."Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"Well...I've decided that I'm going to be an England supporter, and I would like you to buy this shirt for my birthday."



The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4
times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"



About half an hour later, they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son, and says, "Son, I really hope you've learned
a lesson today..?"

The son says, "Yes dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "...well, I've only been an England supporter for one hour now, and already I hate you German b*stards"

Four Yarmouth men are in a car: Who's driving?

A policeman.

I was waiting at customer services in the Yarmouth Asda and the woman in front was returning a disposable barbecue.

When asked why, she replied that when she'd opened it there was no meal in it.

The shop assistant patiently explained that the barbeque was simply to cook the meat, it didn't include it. The customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

The assistant locked at her receipt and asked, 'There are three
barbeques on here. Are YOU returning the other two as well.'

'I can't' said the woman. 'They're at home in the freezer.'

You can always tell a Yarmouth man, especially if its how to get something for nothing!

Here's a handy little utility which can convert almost any text into a variety of dialects.

Its called The Dialectizer

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

Of particular amusement is the Swedish Chef, who may be constrained by content to give a wonderful impersonation of Sven Goran Errickson.

Although its a bit late for that now..

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids
were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.


Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some
of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are
some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown,
like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off
eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age
6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we
hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her
boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of
seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have
lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age


On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7)

Actual entries in an Mpumalanga hospital (South Africa) register

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.


7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She al so appears to be depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities